A post about sobriety (not culture related) : The Ghosts of lovers past.

While the word ‘lover’ is used here, I think anyone reading it knows there’s no love inferred here.  Until they come up with the term “lusters” it will have to do.

This time of year is a time for reflecting.  When people reach out to old friends, relatives, fuck buddies.  Yep you read that right.  It also seems as if my old ghosts have come calling.  Almost 3 years sober there are fewer of them than there used to be.

While actively drinking I racked up a lot of how shall I put this?  Acquaintances.  Fleeting fun and usually a complete waste of time.  Some I remember many of them I don’t.  Which is odd.  In sobriety I now thankfully have fewer regrets and fewer acquaintances.

Today I got an email from someone I don’t ever recall talking to.  I didn’t remember their name, but they had my email address and using that they decided to write me. 

Responding is always tricky.  I used to be polite and write back stuff like “I’m not that girl anymore” but that was never enough to placate them, even now it still isn’t.  Sometimes I joke to myself that I would tell them I became a nun or that I’m a 300 lbs shut in, but I don’t.  I live a life of honesty now.  One that I am glad to be owning up to.  So I come clean and tell them “I’m in recovery and don’t remember you nor am I interested in participating with you now.”  It seems rude but its honest and usually effective.  The drunken one-nighters I once persued have no place in my life anymore.   They never did, I was just too ill to realize that when I was drinking.

As the years pass and more time and distance is put between the sober woman I am now and the reckless drinker (and user of people) that I once was I AM GLAD.  I’d like to think of all of that behavior like a bad dream, but I know it isn’t.

An important part of sobriety is owning up to the destruction I caused from self-will run riot.  And that’s okay.  God has enabled me to love myself as I am now, inspite of my past errors and mistakes.

I’m hoping there aren’t anymore ghosts coming, we’ll see.

COLD SOULS - A DVD REVIEW

Part Being John Malkovich, part Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, Paul Giamatti plays himself in this offbeat dark dramedy that begs the question: do our souls weigh us down? Or imbody everything that we are? It was pretty good but then again I have an affinity for Paul Giamatti.  I gave it 3 strong stars.

Les Ballets Trockadero de Monte Carlo (A Review)

So a day later I’m finally taking some time to  write about the performance I saw on Sunday afternoon. Les Ballets Trockadero de Monte Carlo http://joyce.org/performancestickets/calendar_detail.php?event=341&theater=1.

I was eager to see ballet, and see ballet I did.  The discount ticket I bought for the performance which was labled as “partial view” was anything but that.  I was right up close seeing the facial expressions, the muscular yet lithe bodies of the dancers and even the sweat at the end of the performance.  For $22 I thought I had the best seat in the house.

I hadn’t been to a ballet in over 15 years and I think I was long overdue.  There was so much exquisite beauty and I have such a high regard for the strength and training that goes into each pose, and turn.  I almost found myself crying watching the grace that was before me.

Now Les Ballets Trockadero de Monte Carlo was not the most common of ballet performances.  The cast was all male and seemingly all gay.  There was comedy, mostly seeming slapstick interjected into the performance to make it lighter, but at the end of the show I felt it actually detracted from the performance.  There was an extreme amount of talent though.

It did make me thirsty to see more ballet, just more contemporary performances.

Wishing for better times, but...

So today I’m supposed to get together with a gf of mine.  The nature of our friendship has changed.  She’s changed.  She’s going through some things, not all of them healthy.  Recently she had a breakdown of sorts.  And while feeling internally terrified I pretty much said nothing.  Quite honestly what was there to say?

She’s acting like there’s nothing wrong, so who am I to point out, “Um wtf is going on?”  She’s been continually cancelling on me.  We actually keep previously made plans about 2 out of 10 times.  Mentally I’m done, but I know that’s a bad attitude.  Its her who isn’t showing up for this friendship, this mentor/mentee relationship we’ve had for the last two years. 

I’ve been praying for what to do.  The other day she tells me “I’ve met somebody.”  And while I didn’t say anything out loud all I thought was “Are you crazy?”  You just get back from “being away” and jump into a relationship?  Can you smell the desperation?  She’s latching onto this life raft in the form of a man this time.  I image we’ve all been there at one time or another.

Just her actions in doing this lets me know that she’s still sick and not reaching out for the REAL solution (God).  It painful and frustrating to watch.  I want to tell her this.  I want to say “Is this really the right time for you to be getting into a relationship?  Aren’t you getting involved for the wrong reasons anyway?”  My old instincts tell me to run, run, run in the other direction.  Big pussy that I am.  It won’t make a difference how I feel because inevitably she won’t show up anyway.

She and I are supposed to get together later but sure as I’m sitting here writing this I’m almost sure she’ll come up with another excuse why she isn’t there……….yet again.  Has it even dawned on her that I’ve moved on already and found another sponsor?  In her sickness I doubt she’s factored that in.  No matter, I will pray for her and remember how she was when God was the center of her life. 

Getting In the Game!

So this Winter rather than just sitting around in my apartment or merely hitting meetings I’ve decided to be proactive.  A number of friends have shared with me their positive experiences meeting people through Meetup.com.

While the concept almost seems strange “getting together with strangers merely because we share common interests etc”.  Its no more different that talking with people online that I’ve met on Facebook or Myspace or Craigslist, lol.

I’ve joined a number of groups but this weekend I’ve plans to venture to one of the get togethers and see what happens.  Its in the city during the day.  It’s a holiday party to benefit the Children’s Aid Society, which definitely sounds like a worthwhile cause.  http://www.meetup.com/Charitable-Singles/calendar/15577578/

I’ve no idea what to expect but I’m venturing there with an adventurous and social spirit.

The following weekend I managed to buy myself a discounted ticket to see this show

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nPFc9qwkQbA

Its part Art part parody and a friend of mine already saw it with a big two thumbs up.

I found out the LIRR has a way of buying a ten packs of off peak tickets for a discount which is good since paying full price blows. 

In sobriety I’ve learned about “seeking Gods’ will” for my life.  Most of the time I know what that means.  In reference to seeking a social life, I’m not always certain what that means.  God doesn’t want me to sit around and wait for invitations.  I think I did that last Winter and lived (and cried) to regret it.

That’s why I’m being proactive and looking for “healthy” things to do.  Tomorrow night I was invited to a work related holiday party and if anything there is free food involved which is always a good thing. 

There is that old say ‘There are plenty of fish in the sea”.  And this time around I guess right now I’m actually IN the ocean seeking them instead of sitting on the sidelines watching them all swim by.

The Bobby blog

So Friday night I did something I haven’t done in a while.  I laid eyes on my brother Bobby.  Through the benefit of Skype he called me.  Seeing his name on my computer screen I readied myself.  My first instinct was to run, but the program has taught me to be a grown up and face my fears.  I don’t always do that but I’m getting better at it.

The small screen showed his face which was drawn.  His eyes looked overly big as there was no meat to balance his facial features.  He was pale and wore a baseball cap.  I could see his throat wrapped in bandages holding a trache tube which I tried to ignore.  I did this to make us both feel comfortable. 

I hail from an extreme catty clan.  His first words to me were “Wow sis you’re getting up there.”  Meanwhile he’s two years older than me (48) and looking like he’s 65.  I couldn’t conceal my annoyance and gave him a double middle finger which in hindsight I’d wished I could have refrained from.

I apologized for my actions and the conversation went on from there. 

I had a few goals while online.  They were:  Not to start crying, not get into an argument, and not say anything I’d later regret.

My brother is an alcoholic of the sickest kind.  The insanity in his life runs rampid.  He sat there trying to decipher HOW he became ill.  He’s been homeless for four years.   He had been living with my sister but after many years her good will and patience has given up.   She told him to leave and he has yet to forgive for it.  (Alcoholic behavior:  never being grateful for the years she had him live there ONLY when that goodwill ended).

He’s a grown man who should be working and supporting himself, but with alcoholics still active and sick they always see their misfortune as a direct result of something someone DID TO THEM!  Never did they find themselves at fault.

I love my brother but I know who he is.  Navigating conversation inspite of this can be dicey.  God gives me the patience and love to keep things in prospective.  To keep it in the day, which is what I did.

I asked him how he was feeling, how things were going.  I told him thanks for calling me.

I know I need to use whatever time he has left to make amends.  To be there for him.  I guess it’s the pessimist in me but I don’t see him surviving this.  Only God knows.  My guess is influenced by my experiences watching friends and family deal with cancer. 

Even under the best of circumstances good people die.  My brother is a good person, he’s just sick.

I'm hearing wedding bells.......

So one of my closest girlfriends told me the other day that she is engaged.  While not a fan of marital commitments and all their entanglements I was happy for her.  Why?  Because she is my friend and that’s what she wants.  Because I think every woman deserves the joy, (however fleeting) of getting married and having children.

She has always had her eye on the fasttrack to marriage.  She perceives it to be the holy grail to happiness.  As if there was a cash prize once that goal was achieved.  I don’t know.  I do know that I’ve learned in life with all things the joy is in the journey. 

Sometimes when we reach our intended goal, our destination, there is a let down.  The getting married can be the fun part, but the BEING married, that takes work.  There’s a lot of compromise and of course the incurring of monogamy.

She’s asked me to be her maid of honor.  This in itself is a huge honor.  I was grateful she asked me.  I’m worried I’ll admit that.  I want to do right by her but I’m not the most financially solvent friend she has.  But I’ll leave it in God’s hands.

I sort of like the idea that I’ll be in a wedding party for some reason.  Probably because it happening after so many years.  The last wedding I was in was my sister Alison’s and she’s been married for over 20 years.

Blah, blah, blah

I’m ridiculously bored these days.  Trying to find my balance.  When daylight savings time end it can be quite the challenge.  Last Winter after work all I wanted to do was run home and stay home.  Living alone though it gets lonely and it stays that way unless I take action.  Last Winter I came to this realization the hard way.  Eh, we live we learn, we get up off our asses and call people.  Stop living in fear.  After all it’s a shitty place to live.  I want better for myself.

I’ve said “I want to meet someone.  I want a relationship” so many times I’ve no clue what the hell it means to be in one.  What I had with Derek was good while it lasted.  I do want companionship though.

I heard something at a meeting last night that’s sticking with me.  “Water finds it own level.”  Essentially meaning, like attracts like.  Of course in order to figure out who I’m attracting I have to see how it is (and what it is) I’m projecting in the first place.  In my own fantasyworld though I feel as if what I’ll attract is exactly what I want.  (jude rolls eyes)

Another New years?

So last night while I was driving home the thought of New Year’s Eve popped into my head.  A term that still (after two years sober) fills me with anxiety.  In my last days of drinking my final two New Year’s celebrations were filled with humiliation and embarrassment.  And infront of my family no less.

My family has a “family party” every year.  It started when our kids were all small.  Rather than finding babysitters we would all bring the kiddies along put them to bed upstairs only to return downstairs to party until we passed out, almost always sleeping over.  It was a good plan at the time.

Now my kiddie is almost 20 years old.  I haven’t gone to that family party in over 4 years.  I can’t bring myself to do it.  And even though I know I will invariably be harassed for not going even into the summer (as my mother did last year) I still have no desire to rejoin them.  The family is Irish-English and the drinking is huge. 

Anyhew with the thought of New Years coming up again I vowed last year to NOT be alone this year.  (Last year I had plans but last minute they fell through, etc.)

Too big for my britches

So, I’ve noticed the numbers on my scale climbing and I wasn’t holding Tyler.  I’ve put on weight.  Not a lot just enough that I know I need to take action.  I heard a while back:  80% of staying in shape (being a proper weight) is what you put into your mouth.  Its something I’ve definitely found to be true.

Over the Summer my lazy ass didn’t do much except spend time with friends and eat plenty of ice cream.  I blame it on the summer.  But rather than continue in this uncomfortable (both mentally and physically) rolly polly physique I need to alter what I’m eating abit more just until I feel comfortable again.

So going by that nutrition program my GNC guy gave me this is what I plan for as of December 1^st

No red meat

No dairy (gulp and I LOVE cheese)

No carbs after 2 p.m.

No processed meats (this includes bacon, and sausage)

I also plan to eat more vegetables, which will also include bean sprouts.  I’m told though that they are more protein than vegetable.  (jude shrugs) either way its time.

Facing my Fear - well one of them anyway

So Saturday night I faced one of my fears and lived to tell the tale.  I went to NYC alone.  Not intentionally though.  My original plan involved a friend who actually LIVES in the city and complains she never goes anywhere and never does anything.  I’ve finally realized its because she is afraid to do anything else. 

Anyhew because she bailed out on me, once again I tried my best to invite people I thought might enjoy the evening I had planned but came up empty.  I then had two choices 1)  I could ‘eat’ the $84 I spent on tickets (without any possible refund) OR 2)  I could go it alone.

Now I don’t drive into the city I take the train.  My fears in going at night alone include:  possibly getting,  being mugged, raped or lost or any combination of those three.  Or feeling insecure in doing something alone In the end, nothing bad happened.

Infact, a lot of GOOD happened.  I walked through my fear.  I dressed in a blue striped sweaterdress, tights and tall black boots.  I wore “night makeup” and a good attitude.

I got to the city much earlier than I probably should have but wanted to time to take my time.  I decided to walk from Penn Station to Union Square.  It was a good 19 blocks.  My nervous energy made the time fly by.  I got to Union Square to find it brightly lit up in twinkle lights bustling with people.  How could I ever think I’d be alone? 

After my window shopping I found the theatre location and walked over to a nearby Starbucks to grab seat and a smoothie.  After that I found myself in a darkly lit bar with red twinkle lights ordering a seltzer.  One guy chatted with me for a bit and after a few more seltzers and a red bull enough time had passed for me to make my way to the show.

It was fabulous.  Back in the day a friend of miney (who was a culture vulture like myself) told me about this show.  I’d always wanted to see it.  Part of me was bummed out about having to “eat” one of the tickets.  My ex later helped me rationalize that since I got the tickets for half price I really wasn’t paying more for the performance than any other ticketholder who paid full price.  I liked that perspective.

The stage hands herded us into a large room with an expansive ceiling.  It was dark except for large red spot lights and a fog machine filling the air.  Thumping club music kept the upbeat spirit that would carry the crowd and myself throughout the show.

This show was like Blue Man Group on crack.  It was excellent.   I won’t spoil it by telling you the details.  What I will say is I had the very best time that I would have missed HAD I let my fears rob me of it.

It was late when I got out, but hey this is NYC.  On a Saturday night again plenty of people I was never alone.  Not in the streets, not on the subway nor on the LIRR.

I was home by 2:30 a.m. with a smile on my face and my legs achy from dancing. 

Oh Solo Mio

So I’ll be honest and confess: it isn’t always easy being single.  And there are days (like today) when that’s especially the case.  Today sucks ass, it sucks balls.  It basically sucks whatever body part you wish to fill in that particular blank.

And while I confess to have had the blissful experience of hooking up last night, (bottle of lube still in my purse), there is now the pesky detail of another Saturday night to kill.  This wouldn’t necessarily be a problem if I hadn’t already made plans that required money to make happen (without refund of course) and single female companion bailed on me. 

Okay I might be abit harsh in saying she bailed, but this isn’t the first time she’s ‘changed her mind” or “is too tired/not feeling well”.  So after a half a dozen incidents I have made the mental note of DO NOT INVITE nor make plans.  She is officially in the category of friends that simply hang out…….whenever and once in a while.  I need to be okay with that.

Being in a program of recovery surrounds me and fills my phone with people who are also in recovery.  I also DO have other friends outside the program.

So being “companionless” for my Fuerza Bruta show at 10 pm tonight I am now scrambling for another body.  I’ve decided though to go it alone should it come to 4 o’clcok today without results.

Like the program (and that song says ) “I can’t let fear take the wheel and steer”

I’ll admit I did get creative/desperate in my reaching out to those I included in my last minute invite.  Including my ex-husband.  I know he’s cheapskate so I’m not asking my companion whoever that may be to pay for the 2^nd ticket.  Yep my exhusband.   He was a long shot, and perhaps a slighly desperate one.  The darkhorse in all of my invitations.  He was gracious as he confessed “You know how I’m a….a”  “couch potato?”  I answered.  “Well I was going to say a homebody.”  Jude rolls eyes

Of course I thought of how nice it would have been had MY SON been home, he surely would have gone with me,  I’m 99% sure he would have. 

This just might be the opportunity I’ve been waiting on to just FACE MY FEAR of doing stuff alone.  I haven’t really done much of that since I moved out.  Stay tuned.

What if I don't like........when like attracts like?

So last night I spent the evening with a guy friend of mine I know from the rooms.  He has a few years more sobriety than me.  He’s got his shit together, which is probably why I do spend time with him (aka stick with the winners).

We took a drive in the new jeep he recently bought.  He’s also started a new (more successful) career this year and things were really turning around for him.  I was happy for him.

Anyhew we were catching up etc and asked him how his dating life had been going.  He explained “I went out with this girl a few times.  Friend of a friend, not in the rooms.  But I don’t’ think there’s anything there.”  I could hear the disappointment in his voice.

Feeling badly for him and trying to encourage optimism I asked him to explain the flaw.  “Well” he said “Two out of the four times we hung out she got totally wasted.”  So me again trying to see the silver lining said “How bad was it?”  He said it was so bad she apologized.  So bad she passed out.

Oh boy. I’ve been there done that.  Right before I came into the rooms infact.  One of the bottoms I hit was passing out in my dates’ car, on a first date.  I couldn’t even look at myself in the mirror after that.  I didn’t like who I was becoming and worse…….there was a witness to my actions.  And that look he gave me I’ll never forget it.  It was a look of disgust.

Anyhew getting back to my friend and his situation.  It got me to thinking and wondering about the people who we are attracted to and who are attracted to us.

When I came into the rooms it was through a date ALREADY in the rooms who influenced me.  And here my friend was with a girl who was (apparently battling her own alcohol-fueled demons) and attracted to someone in recovery.

I wondering how likely are we to mainly attract like minds?

Lessons I must learn

So its now just over a year since I moved out on my own.  Money has definitely been an issue.  I still stick to my credo of positivity which is:  God doesn’t always give me what I want, but he always gives me what I need.  In other words, while getting out of the house to go anywhere (that requires money) hasn’t always been possible, being at home and having food to eat has been possible.

Of course I want things to be different, more abundant.  I don’t want this to be possible by me working two jobs, never being at home and physically and mentally killing myself.  Um…….that’s not exactly LIVING now is it?

The root of all my financial woes really was my country-sized debt complete with staggering APR percentages.  Ouch.   As of last May I told myself “Give yourself a year”  And with that I cut up all of my store cards and all of my higher major credit cards.  At the time, doing that was pretty easy.  I then took it one step further and actually called up and closed those accounts altogether.  The difference being I didn’t have the “easy” option of just calling up the company and ordering another card.

I then had to strongly consider what I was trying to accomplish and why I was trying to accomplish it.  Because I was tired of living hand-to-mouth.  I want a better quality of life.  And if my life in sobriety has taught me anything it this this:  With God all things are possible.  Including becoming debt free.

Lately I’ve been feeling abit weak as I look down at my shoddy black pumps desperate for a new pair.  But I bolster myself by remembering a line from a movie in which the family was broke.  The mom said “We’re broke.  There’s no money for anything.  We need to make the best of what we’ve got.  Use it and reuse it  and use it again.”

Not really sure if any of this makes sense to anyone but me.  The bottom line is I’m trying to relearn the definition of living within my MEANS.  I laugh that I say “relearn” as if I ever learned in the first place.

What's out there anyway?

So not wanting to be infinitely date-less I decided to check some of the dating websites I’m registered at.  One of the websites had mail for me.  That’s good.  Most of the time I find the letters (and profiles) pretty fruitless.  Most of the men either a) don’t take care of themselves b) live 50 miles away or c) write stuff that sends my red flags flying.  Today I encountered upon one such letter.

His letter read something like this:  My name is (joey bag of donuts) and I’d like to get to know you better.  By the way even though my profile says I live in East meadow, I really live in Hicksville.  And the picture there, that isn’t me either (although I’ve attached a photo).  Note:  I click on the photo and although I sat behind my computer screen serene and calm, the mental screams could be heard throughout the universe.  (Big fat dude with shirt open wearing a Cancun skullcap and a “mouth breather” to boot.  Oy vey!)

Now I know I’m no runway model, by any stretch of the imagination I know I can do better than this.

He tells me “I’m a bad boy” and I let him know that I’m looking for a nice guy. Someone honest, single and knows how to treat a lady.  He tells me he’s all those things.  So I point out the misinformation in his profile, which shows he’s lying in his ad by not telling the truth.  He tells me he has a stalker and if I had any experience in that area I would know how he feels. 

Can you see the red flags?

Where am I?

So lately I'm like a man without a county only I ain't a man not even close.  Last weekend I cancelled my Myspace in all its delicious decadence.  I did this because Myspace carries more viruses that a crackhouse bathroom.  Having said that I now have no readers, of course that never stopped me from writing before.

I'm just stretching my wings here trying to figure out how to share but with discretion.  (jude shrugs) more later if I can remember my fuggin passwords. 

Friday thoughts

First and foremost thought………I’ve put on weight.  These jeans I’m wearing today are fucking killing me.  And while I checked my weight log (yes I actually have one just for funnzies) I’m not at my heaviest that’s for sure.  I think its just my waist that’s holding onto the weight this time.

I have plans to get to my gym after work since I’ve no cash and no Friday plans this works perfectly.  And honestly there’s nothing like wearing clothes that don’t fit you anymore to get yr ass moving.

My son called me at work today too.  He’s away at college and called because he needs help.  It seems his wisdom tooth is coming in.  I find it ironic that it happens to be while he’s away at school.  He was pretty calm which is good, I wish I could say the same for myself.  Outwardly I was calm with him, internally I felt like someone pushed me into a swimming pool with my arms tied behind my back. 

That’s the thing about adult children, while they are adults they are still “your babies”.  And what’s worse is I can’t exactly hop in the car and drive 7 hours upstate to hold his hand.  I mean its oral surgery here not heart surgery so its manageable.  Its just something he’s never dealt with before and quite frankly neither have I.

As parents we always have to put up a brave front no matter what hurricane of drama is whirling around inside us.  I think that’s why we are referred to as “grown ups”.  Perhaps that title is meant as more of a reminder than anything.  It infers, ‘sit up, fly right, someone else is counting on you.”  I totally get that. 

Omigosh I’m Amish!

So I currently rent a studio apartment in a house.  I have a great landlord, I am blessed.  Just passing the one year mark, wow how time flies, we’ve decided to celebrate by having a Sunday brunch together.

Living on Long Island Cablevision is king.  There are a lot of other (inferior) t.v./internet  providers, but nothing is faster.  Renting the apartment I was fortunate enough to have cable included.  No movies, just basic cable, but still.

Cablevision is currently changing things so that you must now HAVE a cable box in order to receive a signal at all.  After rushing around last night to get dinner started and a few things accomplished I finally clicked on the t.v. at 9 o’clock. 

Nothing. Nada.  Gulp.  Oh boy.  Hmm NOW I definitely need a box and here I was last week feeling all smug and superior that I didn’t lose my t.v. when others I knew did.  That shit was short lived huh?

Now I’m making arrangements to get one, but of course I want to make sure I’m not charged for it.  The EFKAH said I shouldn’t be charged except for $5 for the remote. 

It was weird last night not having the option of the t.v.  I mainly keep it on for background noise and the usual Criminal Minds back-to-back episodes that keep me entertained. 

Thank God for the internet though.  And I didn’t have the t.v. to get me off to sleep like I usually do, that was weird.  Instead I put on my reading light and gasp! I read.  I’m currently working on my cousin’s book which I’m starting to get into but wondering if I’ll finish.  (I still didn’t finish the last “Dragon Tattoo” book I was mulling through.)

Planet Fitness

Have I ever mentioned how I suck with money?  Of course I know I’m NOT alone in my handicap.  There are plenty of good spenders/bad savers out there.  But amidst of all this I’m contemplating joining a gym.

I’ve a bad history with joining a gym.  You know that whole “Ok-I’ve-joined-a-gym-so I’ll-pay-for-it-but-never-actually-go there” kind of philosophy.

My history then got better once I had my son and even better once I had some REAL weight to lose.  But my wanting to join a gym is about more than wanting to stay ahead of the numbers on my scale.  Its about my health.

My health is decent mind you, no reason to complain.  But soon I’m turning 47 and the other day when I was walking up 4 flights of stairs I realized how out of shape I am.  Sitting behind a desk eight hours a day will do that to you.  I need cardio to build up my wind resistance.  Using some universal weight machines wouldn’t hurt matters either. 

I’ve no waist anymore and little if any patience either.  So rather than roll over and take I’ve managed to find a solution:  Planet Fitness.  You know the saying “If it seems too good to be true it probably is?  Well this might just be exception.  The location that is right near my work (the drive there is 5 minutes or less).  And its ten dollars to join and ten dollars a month, not bad.

As I think about last Winter and feeling my apartment getting smaller.  Smaller than the quaint space it already is.  I think this might work.  Heck $10 is three lattes @ Starbucks, not that I drink lattes anymore.

All Dressed Up and No Where to Go……….sorta

 

So for the month of October I’m working at a Halloween store, just the weekends.  The irony of the matter is I get a discount on costumes, BUT I’m working the weekend of Halloween.  Arrrrrrrrrrgh.  Even a girlfriend is throwing a Halloween party THAT Saturday night.  God forgive me but I think her party will be done by the time I get there.  That’s my two cents, what do I know?  I’ve never entertained more than one guest at a time, heh heh.

So when I THOUGHT there was a chance for me to still go to the party, I stupidly went and bought a costume.  I figured I’d take advantage of the 50% discount.  Now routinely I opt to be either something scary or funny.  I almost NEVER do the sexy route.  Why?  Because personally I don’t think I could take myself seriously trying to be sexy outside my bedroom door.

But this year for whatever reason I went the sexy route and bought the sexy outfit.  I probably should have picked better.  What did I pick?  Something REALLY politically incorrect:  Naughty Nun.  I guess I liked the costume design.  Its strapless with angel sleeves that are separate from the dress but attached by a single strip of material.  And there is a collar that runs from the center of the dress around the throat, very modern, very sexy.  You might not think it’s a nun’s habit if it weren’t for the dress piece which shows it is. 

I bought black fishnet thigh highs to go along with….and figure I’ll wear my black boots and a long rosary around my neck. 

But WHERE will I get to WEAR this?  Of course I could use the dress later on for “fun in the bedroom” WITHOUT the head piece of course.  Of all the things I could have picked for that purpose (and there were plenty in the store) why did I pick this one?  I could have picked something more……flexible.  Sometimes I can’t help myself I just love taboos.

That night On Halloween Eve I’m supposed to work until 11:00 and then close and then leave.  Now since its Saturday night I probably could “get away” with going to a club/bar, etc just to use the outfit but I fear I will probably be too fucking tired to do this anyway.

I guess there is always next year.

 

Awareness.............for Dummies

<big>Awareness for Dummies!

In the movie Philadelphia Denzel Washington’s character, who plays an attorney keeps uttering this great phrase which is :  “Could someone please explain this to me………like I’m a 5 yr old?”  Let me explain.

A friend of mine is involved in community service.  He’s usually arranging fundraisers for charities but charities where their primary purpose is Awareness.  What?  For instance “Autism Awareness”  or “Epilepsy Awareness”?  Huh?

Why would anyone have to be made aware of illness we ALREADY know exists?  In my limited experience isn’t there something better to be done?  I conveyed my point with this friend.  Okay wouldn’t it better to use money for something like support groups?  If I have someone in my family that is gravely hindered by some illness wouldn’t a support group behoove the whole family? 

I was tedious with this friend, probably because I wanted to piss him off at the time.  I was like “Who the heck doesn’t KNOW that Epilepsy exists? I mean its not as if its contagious?  What purpose is being served in doing this”  I just feel that type of thing is a waste of money, money that could be used for something with more of a specific purpose.

Maybe I just don’t understand the true meaning of the word Awareness where illnesses are concerned.  So maybe someone please explain this to me………like I’m a 5 yr old?”<big>

Smoke 'em if you got 'em................NOT

http://www.indianexpress.com/news/smokers-waste-a-year-of-their-lives-on-fag-breaks/689928/

So today we get an e-mail which (paraphrasing) reads:  “Smoke breaks will no longer be allowed during working hours.  Smokers who wish to smoke must do so during their lunch hours.”  Wow, are they serious?

The only thing I could think was they must have heard the same thing I did on 1010 Wins, (also see the above article).  It basically states that the average smoker uses one hour of work time to smoke.  I’m wondering if management heard about this and thought, damn we should cut that shit out pronto!

Of course when there are smokers in management this rule never seems to “take”.  Previously I’ve worked for other employers that when they have that “Great American Smokeout” (I think that’s what its called.  The employer has offered to sponsor a smoking cessation class for those wishing to quit smoking.

I once heard that the addiction of smoking is strikingly similar to quitting heroin.  Luckily I’ve had to quit neither of two.  It almost makes alcohol addiction seem carefree as a muthafucker.

As for the new rule at work.  I give it less than a week.  Shit like that never works because the addiction of smoking fucks with the moods and actions of the smoker.  AND because there is literary no way to ENFORCE it.  Not without firing good people/employees who also happen to be smokers.

Plus there are always people in management who smoke.  And people in management are just as addicted to that nicotine staining, wallet-draining, little firesticks as anyone else.  Of course they could also solve this situation by offering smokers the ability to split their lunch hour.  They could take two 15 minute breaks and one half hour lunchtime.

She Shoe Shamed Me.....

So this morning I was watching SATC.  Yep sometimes I still watch while having breakfast, God forbid I read.  Its mainly for background noise really, until I come up with a better way to start my morning.

In the particular episode I watched today it had Carrie feeling badly because someone made her feel bad about her expensive shoe fettish.  Now while I’m hardly in that league of shoe shopping, I’d be lying if I said I did envy Imelda Marcos.

The Fall is here and for the life of me I have NO CLUE where my boot collection is stored.  In the interim though are the delight of Fall shoes.  Usually some pumps, a leftover pair of black patent leather Mary Jane’s.  Without the means to do so I must find a way to replenish that part of my wardrobe.  I can figure that part out later. 

But for now the IMPORTANT question.  What to buy?  I’ve been scouring fashion mags and websites to see what is truly in style.  From there I usually temper my choice between what’s in style, what I consider classic and what my budget will allow.

And even with all the looking I do not truly SEE what’s out there.  Any thoughts?  Suggestions?

The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo – a DVD Review

So being deep into the 2nd of the trilogy of the Stieg Larsson novels I decided to see the Swedish movie version of The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo.

It was pretty good. Although like with most adapted book to screen stories the viewer would have greatly benefited from reading the novel FIRST. In the book, the reader was giving he benefit of so many additional details (ok some of which were tedious) but necessary in order to build up the suspense which ultimately lead to the thrilling conclusion of the story.

I’d like to say that while watching I wasn’t overly analytically dissecting the way the movie version told the same story, but I’d be lying. The movie I think has less depth without the benefit of reading the book first.

Do you see what I see?

If there’s one strong thing I’ve learned in recovery is that reality is all about perception. What one person thinks constitutes a shitty day, perhaps a day that’s overcast and filled with clouds; might be another’s ‘perfect day’ because they hate too much sunlight, etc. The proverbial ‘glass half full’ concept.

I have a gf and whenever she was into a new guy she would always project all these huge fantasies onto him. Often comparing all their similarities as if just the idea of it somehow signified that they might be a perfect match. Often I’d listen with a lot of mental eye rolling. I enjoyed her optimistic perspective, never saying too much about any of it figuring good, bad or indifferent she would find out first hand whether he was THE ONE.

I confess that perhaps long ago in another life I might have been like that optimistic young girl myself. As I sit here hardpressed for even a smidge of memory I come up empty.

I’m looking for a relationship. I won’t lie. Getting older doesn’t rob me of the romantic notions that I still have. While I don’t want something “full-time” (jude shudders, thinking of the mediocrity and mundaeity of full time relationships), I do want something, full of life, precious moments and (wait I gotta stop here I’m getting the dry heaves at all this mushiness). Okay……..I’m back. Ideally I’d like something, someone to hold hands with during the movies and make out with during the previews. Maybe abit more than that, but you get the idea.

I don’t think project too much in terms of fantasies about me and men. If anything I probably think more about the friends I make now, knowing, wanting them to be long lasting. Now with men I try to take it one day at a time. The slower pace helps me to not carry around unnecessary anxiety.

I told my sponsor earlier that I’d like to want more something more with this guy. Its as if I’ve got the parking brake of my enthusiasm on, I don’t want to let myself WANT something I can’t have. I’m trying to have patience here, but I know myself and am afraid of my feelings. I know that if a man acts “lukewarm” with me I’ll lose interest. (Jude shrugs) I know this. For me dating is about passion. That was one of the many reasons I loved D…….his passion, his attentiveness. Lukewarm actions and lukewarm men do NOTHING for me, nothing.

A BOOK REVIEW: The Film Club by David Gilmour

So for $5 I picked up a copy of this little novel. A story about a slightly out of work Dad who impetiously decides to let his 16 yr old son drop out of high school if he agrees to watch three movies a week. At first the father thinks his son will grow bored, complacent and eventually seek something more. What follows is abit familiar to any parent of a misguided teenager.



I enjoyed the conversations between father and son, how silently, almost too silently the father was cheering for whatever direction his son decided to take. Of course the movie discussions were a huge draw for me. It made me wish I had this guy for a father, (or at the very least an uncle of some sort). Light breezy, a commercial break amongst heavier novels.

A quote I really loved....from "The Film Club" by David Gilmour

So right now I’m reading this book called “The Film Club”. I found it in the discount section. It caught my eye not only because of the low price, but because at the very top it read “A true story about a father who let his son drop out of high school if he agreed to watch three movies a week.” Being a movie person, I was immediately intrigued.



The story is light enough with plenty of good movie information and a compelling story. What I’m enjoying most is the way the author explains the certain envitabilities in life. Particularly the moment when it occurs to you that you are finally OVER someone, a relationship, etc. Here is what he wrote:


“And how, I wondered how I could make Jesse under this, how could I rush him through the next months, even year, to that delicious end point where you wake up one day and instead of feeling her loss (that toothache0, you find yourself, yawning, putting your hands behind your head, and thinking, I must get a copy made of my house key today. I’m playing a rather dangerous games here, having only one key. Goregeously banal, liberating thoughts (Did I lock the downstairs window?), the heat having passed from the burn, the memory of its pain so remote that you can’t quite put your finger on why it went on so long or what the fuss was about, or who did what with their body (but look the neighbors are planting a new birch tree).


As if a chain on an anchor has snapped (and you can’t quite remember where you were or what you were doing), you notice suddenly that your thoughts are you own possession again, your bed no longer empty but simply yours, yours in which to read the newspaper or sleep or…dear me, what was it I was supposed to do today? Ah, the front door key! Yes.”


All of what he quote I found simply brilliant. It’s the reckoning that you are over Him…Her…whoever. Not because you found someone better but because when the gas runs out, all that’s left over is YOU. And I’m so very completely okay with that.