Do you see what I see?

If there’s one strong thing I’ve learned in recovery is that reality is all about perception. What one person thinks constitutes a shitty day, perhaps a day that’s overcast and filled with clouds; might be another’s ‘perfect day’ because they hate too much sunlight, etc. The proverbial ‘glass half full’ concept.

I have a gf and whenever she was into a new guy she would always project all these huge fantasies onto him. Often comparing all their similarities as if just the idea of it somehow signified that they might be a perfect match. Often I’d listen with a lot of mental eye rolling. I enjoyed her optimistic perspective, never saying too much about any of it figuring good, bad or indifferent she would find out first hand whether he was THE ONE.

I confess that perhaps long ago in another life I might have been like that optimistic young girl myself. As I sit here hardpressed for even a smidge of memory I come up empty.

I’m looking for a relationship. I won’t lie. Getting older doesn’t rob me of the romantic notions that I still have. While I don’t want something “full-time” (jude shudders, thinking of the mediocrity and mundaeity of full time relationships), I do want something, full of life, precious moments and (wait I gotta stop here I’m getting the dry heaves at all this mushiness). Okay……..I’m back. Ideally I’d like something, someone to hold hands with during the movies and make out with during the previews. Maybe abit more than that, but you get the idea.

I don’t think project too much in terms of fantasies about me and men. If anything I probably think more about the friends I make now, knowing, wanting them to be long lasting. Now with men I try to take it one day at a time. The slower pace helps me to not carry around unnecessary anxiety.

I told my sponsor earlier that I’d like to want more something more with this guy. Its as if I’ve got the parking brake of my enthusiasm on, I don’t want to let myself WANT something I can’t have. I’m trying to have patience here, but I know myself and am afraid of my feelings. I know that if a man acts “lukewarm” with me I’ll lose interest. (Jude shrugs) I know this. For me dating is about passion. That was one of the many reasons I loved D…….his passion, his attentiveness. Lukewarm actions and lukewarm men do NOTHING for me, nothing.