While the word ‘lover’ is used here, I think anyone reading it knows there’s no love inferred here. Until they come up with the term “lusters” it will have to do.
This time of year is a time for reflecting. When people reach out to old friends, relatives, fuck buddies. Yep you read that right. It also seems as if my old ghosts have come calling. Almost 3 years sober there are fewer of them than there used to be.
While actively drinking I racked up a lot of how shall I put this? Acquaintances. Fleeting fun and usually a complete waste of time. Some I remember many of them I don’t. Which is odd. In sobriety I now thankfully have fewer regrets and fewer acquaintances.
Today I got an email from someone I don’t ever recall talking to. I didn’t remember their name, but they had my email address and using that they decided to write me.
Responding is always tricky. I used to be polite and write back stuff like “I’m not that girl anymore” but that was never enough to placate them, even now it still isn’t. Sometimes I joke to myself that I would tell them I became a nun or that I’m a 300 lbs shut in, but I don’t. I live a life of honesty now. One that I am glad to be owning up to. So I come clean and tell them “I’m in recovery and don’t remember you nor am I interested in participating with you now.” It seems rude but its honest and usually effective. The drunken one-nighters I once persued have no place in my life anymore. They never did, I was just too ill to realize that when I was drinking.
As the years pass and more time and distance is put between the sober woman I am now and the reckless drinker (and user of people) that I once was I AM GLAD. I’d like to think of all of that behavior like a bad dream, but I know it isn’t.
An important part of sobriety is owning up to the destruction I caused from self-will run riot. And that’s okay. God has enabled me to love myself as I am now, inspite of my past errors and mistakes.
I’m hoping there aren’t anymore ghosts coming, we’ll see.
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