Another New years?

So last night while I was driving home the thought of New Year’s Eve popped into my head.  A term that still (after two years sober) fills me with anxiety.  In my last days of drinking my final two New Year’s celebrations were filled with humiliation and embarrassment.  And infront of my family no less.

My family has a “family party” every year.  It started when our kids were all small.  Rather than finding babysitters we would all bring the kiddies along put them to bed upstairs only to return downstairs to party until we passed out, almost always sleeping over.  It was a good plan at the time.

Now my kiddie is almost 20 years old.  I haven’t gone to that family party in over 4 years.  I can’t bring myself to do it.  And even though I know I will invariably be harassed for not going even into the summer (as my mother did last year) I still have no desire to rejoin them.  The family is Irish-English and the drinking is huge. 

Anyhew with the thought of New Years coming up again I vowed last year to NOT be alone this year.  (Last year I had plans but last minute they fell through, etc.)

Too big for my britches

So, I’ve noticed the numbers on my scale climbing and I wasn’t holding Tyler.  I’ve put on weight.  Not a lot just enough that I know I need to take action.  I heard a while back:  80% of staying in shape (being a proper weight) is what you put into your mouth.  Its something I’ve definitely found to be true.

Over the Summer my lazy ass didn’t do much except spend time with friends and eat plenty of ice cream.  I blame it on the summer.  But rather than continue in this uncomfortable (both mentally and physically) rolly polly physique I need to alter what I’m eating abit more just until I feel comfortable again.

So going by that nutrition program my GNC guy gave me this is what I plan for as of December 1^st

No red meat

No dairy (gulp and I LOVE cheese)

No carbs after 2 p.m.

No processed meats (this includes bacon, and sausage)

I also plan to eat more vegetables, which will also include bean sprouts.  I’m told though that they are more protein than vegetable.  (jude shrugs) either way its time.

Facing my Fear - well one of them anyway

So Saturday night I faced one of my fears and lived to tell the tale.  I went to NYC alone.  Not intentionally though.  My original plan involved a friend who actually LIVES in the city and complains she never goes anywhere and never does anything.  I’ve finally realized its because she is afraid to do anything else. 

Anyhew because she bailed out on me, once again I tried my best to invite people I thought might enjoy the evening I had planned but came up empty.  I then had two choices 1)  I could ‘eat’ the $84 I spent on tickets (without any possible refund) OR 2)  I could go it alone.

Now I don’t drive into the city I take the train.  My fears in going at night alone include:  possibly getting,  being mugged, raped or lost or any combination of those three.  Or feeling insecure in doing something alone In the end, nothing bad happened.

Infact, a lot of GOOD happened.  I walked through my fear.  I dressed in a blue striped sweaterdress, tights and tall black boots.  I wore “night makeup” and a good attitude.

I got to the city much earlier than I probably should have but wanted to time to take my time.  I decided to walk from Penn Station to Union Square.  It was a good 19 blocks.  My nervous energy made the time fly by.  I got to Union Square to find it brightly lit up in twinkle lights bustling with people.  How could I ever think I’d be alone? 

After my window shopping I found the theatre location and walked over to a nearby Starbucks to grab seat and a smoothie.  After that I found myself in a darkly lit bar with red twinkle lights ordering a seltzer.  One guy chatted with me for a bit and after a few more seltzers and a red bull enough time had passed for me to make my way to the show.

It was fabulous.  Back in the day a friend of miney (who was a culture vulture like myself) told me about this show.  I’d always wanted to see it.  Part of me was bummed out about having to “eat” one of the tickets.  My ex later helped me rationalize that since I got the tickets for half price I really wasn’t paying more for the performance than any other ticketholder who paid full price.  I liked that perspective.

The stage hands herded us into a large room with an expansive ceiling.  It was dark except for large red spot lights and a fog machine filling the air.  Thumping club music kept the upbeat spirit that would carry the crowd and myself throughout the show.

This show was like Blue Man Group on crack.  It was excellent.   I won’t spoil it by telling you the details.  What I will say is I had the very best time that I would have missed HAD I let my fears rob me of it.

It was late when I got out, but hey this is NYC.  On a Saturday night again plenty of people I was never alone.  Not in the streets, not on the subway nor on the LIRR.

I was home by 2:30 a.m. with a smile on my face and my legs achy from dancing. 

Oh Solo Mio

So I’ll be honest and confess: it isn’t always easy being single.  And there are days (like today) when that’s especially the case.  Today sucks ass, it sucks balls.  It basically sucks whatever body part you wish to fill in that particular blank.

And while I confess to have had the blissful experience of hooking up last night, (bottle of lube still in my purse), there is now the pesky detail of another Saturday night to kill.  This wouldn’t necessarily be a problem if I hadn’t already made plans that required money to make happen (without refund of course) and single female companion bailed on me. 

Okay I might be abit harsh in saying she bailed, but this isn’t the first time she’s ‘changed her mind” or “is too tired/not feeling well”.  So after a half a dozen incidents I have made the mental note of DO NOT INVITE nor make plans.  She is officially in the category of friends that simply hang out…….whenever and once in a while.  I need to be okay with that.

Being in a program of recovery surrounds me and fills my phone with people who are also in recovery.  I also DO have other friends outside the program.

So being “companionless” for my Fuerza Bruta show at 10 pm tonight I am now scrambling for another body.  I’ve decided though to go it alone should it come to 4 o’clcok today without results.

Like the program (and that song says ) “I can’t let fear take the wheel and steer”

I’ll admit I did get creative/desperate in my reaching out to those I included in my last minute invite.  Including my ex-husband.  I know he’s cheapskate so I’m not asking my companion whoever that may be to pay for the 2^nd ticket.  Yep my exhusband.   He was a long shot, and perhaps a slighly desperate one.  The darkhorse in all of my invitations.  He was gracious as he confessed “You know how I’m a….a”  “couch potato?”  I answered.  “Well I was going to say a homebody.”  Jude rolls eyes

Of course I thought of how nice it would have been had MY SON been home, he surely would have gone with me,  I’m 99% sure he would have. 

This just might be the opportunity I’ve been waiting on to just FACE MY FEAR of doing stuff alone.  I haven’t really done much of that since I moved out.  Stay tuned.

What if I don't like........when like attracts like?

So last night I spent the evening with a guy friend of mine I know from the rooms.  He has a few years more sobriety than me.  He’s got his shit together, which is probably why I do spend time with him (aka stick with the winners).

We took a drive in the new jeep he recently bought.  He’s also started a new (more successful) career this year and things were really turning around for him.  I was happy for him.

Anyhew we were catching up etc and asked him how his dating life had been going.  He explained “I went out with this girl a few times.  Friend of a friend, not in the rooms.  But I don’t’ think there’s anything there.”  I could hear the disappointment in his voice.

Feeling badly for him and trying to encourage optimism I asked him to explain the flaw.  “Well” he said “Two out of the four times we hung out she got totally wasted.”  So me again trying to see the silver lining said “How bad was it?”  He said it was so bad she apologized.  So bad she passed out.

Oh boy. I’ve been there done that.  Right before I came into the rooms infact.  One of the bottoms I hit was passing out in my dates’ car, on a first date.  I couldn’t even look at myself in the mirror after that.  I didn’t like who I was becoming and worse…….there was a witness to my actions.  And that look he gave me I’ll never forget it.  It was a look of disgust.

Anyhew getting back to my friend and his situation.  It got me to thinking and wondering about the people who we are attracted to and who are attracted to us.

When I came into the rooms it was through a date ALREADY in the rooms who influenced me.  And here my friend was with a girl who was (apparently battling her own alcohol-fueled demons) and attracted to someone in recovery.

I wondering how likely are we to mainly attract like minds?

Lessons I must learn

So its now just over a year since I moved out on my own.  Money has definitely been an issue.  I still stick to my credo of positivity which is:  God doesn’t always give me what I want, but he always gives me what I need.  In other words, while getting out of the house to go anywhere (that requires money) hasn’t always been possible, being at home and having food to eat has been possible.

Of course I want things to be different, more abundant.  I don’t want this to be possible by me working two jobs, never being at home and physically and mentally killing myself.  Um…….that’s not exactly LIVING now is it?

The root of all my financial woes really was my country-sized debt complete with staggering APR percentages.  Ouch.   As of last May I told myself “Give yourself a year”  And with that I cut up all of my store cards and all of my higher major credit cards.  At the time, doing that was pretty easy.  I then took it one step further and actually called up and closed those accounts altogether.  The difference being I didn’t have the “easy” option of just calling up the company and ordering another card.

I then had to strongly consider what I was trying to accomplish and why I was trying to accomplish it.  Because I was tired of living hand-to-mouth.  I want a better quality of life.  And if my life in sobriety has taught me anything it this this:  With God all things are possible.  Including becoming debt free.

Lately I’ve been feeling abit weak as I look down at my shoddy black pumps desperate for a new pair.  But I bolster myself by remembering a line from a movie in which the family was broke.  The mom said “We’re broke.  There’s no money for anything.  We need to make the best of what we’ve got.  Use it and reuse it  and use it again.”

Not really sure if any of this makes sense to anyone but me.  The bottom line is I’m trying to relearn the definition of living within my MEANS.  I laugh that I say “relearn” as if I ever learned in the first place.

What's out there anyway?

So not wanting to be infinitely date-less I decided to check some of the dating websites I’m registered at.  One of the websites had mail for me.  That’s good.  Most of the time I find the letters (and profiles) pretty fruitless.  Most of the men either a) don’t take care of themselves b) live 50 miles away or c) write stuff that sends my red flags flying.  Today I encountered upon one such letter.

His letter read something like this:  My name is (joey bag of donuts) and I’d like to get to know you better.  By the way even though my profile says I live in East meadow, I really live in Hicksville.  And the picture there, that isn’t me either (although I’ve attached a photo).  Note:  I click on the photo and although I sat behind my computer screen serene and calm, the mental screams could be heard throughout the universe.  (Big fat dude with shirt open wearing a Cancun skullcap and a “mouth breather” to boot.  Oy vey!)

Now I know I’m no runway model, by any stretch of the imagination I know I can do better than this.

He tells me “I’m a bad boy” and I let him know that I’m looking for a nice guy. Someone honest, single and knows how to treat a lady.  He tells me he’s all those things.  So I point out the misinformation in his profile, which shows he’s lying in his ad by not telling the truth.  He tells me he has a stalker and if I had any experience in that area I would know how he feels. 

Can you see the red flags?

Where am I?

So lately I'm like a man without a county only I ain't a man not even close.  Last weekend I cancelled my Myspace in all its delicious decadence.  I did this because Myspace carries more viruses that a crackhouse bathroom.  Having said that I now have no readers, of course that never stopped me from writing before.

I'm just stretching my wings here trying to figure out how to share but with discretion.  (jude shrugs) more later if I can remember my fuggin passwords. 

Friday thoughts

First and foremost thought………I’ve put on weight.  These jeans I’m wearing today are fucking killing me.  And while I checked my weight log (yes I actually have one just for funnzies) I’m not at my heaviest that’s for sure.  I think its just my waist that’s holding onto the weight this time.

I have plans to get to my gym after work since I’ve no cash and no Friday plans this works perfectly.  And honestly there’s nothing like wearing clothes that don’t fit you anymore to get yr ass moving.

My son called me at work today too.  He’s away at college and called because he needs help.  It seems his wisdom tooth is coming in.  I find it ironic that it happens to be while he’s away at school.  He was pretty calm which is good, I wish I could say the same for myself.  Outwardly I was calm with him, internally I felt like someone pushed me into a swimming pool with my arms tied behind my back. 

That’s the thing about adult children, while they are adults they are still “your babies”.  And what’s worse is I can’t exactly hop in the car and drive 7 hours upstate to hold his hand.  I mean its oral surgery here not heart surgery so its manageable.  Its just something he’s never dealt with before and quite frankly neither have I.

As parents we always have to put up a brave front no matter what hurricane of drama is whirling around inside us.  I think that’s why we are referred to as “grown ups”.  Perhaps that title is meant as more of a reminder than anything.  It infers, ‘sit up, fly right, someone else is counting on you.”  I totally get that. 

Omigosh I’m Amish!

So I currently rent a studio apartment in a house.  I have a great landlord, I am blessed.  Just passing the one year mark, wow how time flies, we’ve decided to celebrate by having a Sunday brunch together.

Living on Long Island Cablevision is king.  There are a lot of other (inferior) t.v./internet  providers, but nothing is faster.  Renting the apartment I was fortunate enough to have cable included.  No movies, just basic cable, but still.

Cablevision is currently changing things so that you must now HAVE a cable box in order to receive a signal at all.  After rushing around last night to get dinner started and a few things accomplished I finally clicked on the t.v. at 9 o’clock. 

Nothing. Nada.  Gulp.  Oh boy.  Hmm NOW I definitely need a box and here I was last week feeling all smug and superior that I didn’t lose my t.v. when others I knew did.  That shit was short lived huh?

Now I’m making arrangements to get one, but of course I want to make sure I’m not charged for it.  The EFKAH said I shouldn’t be charged except for $5 for the remote. 

It was weird last night not having the option of the t.v.  I mainly keep it on for background noise and the usual Criminal Minds back-to-back episodes that keep me entertained. 

Thank God for the internet though.  And I didn’t have the t.v. to get me off to sleep like I usually do, that was weird.  Instead I put on my reading light and gasp! I read.  I’m currently working on my cousin’s book which I’m starting to get into but wondering if I’ll finish.  (I still didn’t finish the last “Dragon Tattoo” book I was mulling through.)