The Effect - An Off Broadway Play

The other day me and my beau went to see The Effect.  An Off Broadway production at the Barrow Street Theatre. 

The premise of the play: Two test subjects in clinical drug trials for the a new anti-depressant.  As they begin to have feelings for one another, they begin to question whether its love or a side effect of the drug.

Good performances!  Especially noteworthy is Kati Brazda as Dr. Lorna James.  Her performance was intense, moving and sincere.  There was a confidence which I found captivating.

This was predominantly a drama, with a whisper of humor.  This play tried to be funnier but failed.  The two protagonists were a little on hyper side and the nudity and simulated sex was unexpected.

It was enjoyable without being totally predictable. 

See Jude drive. Drive Jude drive.

And so Winter is over.  And then some.  But for now I'm in reflection mode.  Staying grateful.  Almost 3 years ago I was "laid off" from a law firm I'd worked at for 8 years.  Upsetting at first but later realizing that God was pruning the things in my life that were no longer working.  That job was one of them.  The other item he pruned included my car.  Bald tire, a shitty engine and insurance coming due, I felt it was time to "put her down" and I sold it to my mechanic for $300.  At the time I was surviving on unemployment and that car was a drain breaking down over and over.

So being a full time pedestrian had its pros and cons.  Like when I finally got another job.  It involved taking the bus.  Three buses to be exact.  Walking to the first (8 blocks) then, making two subsequent connections.

And last Winter taking the bus was challenging. (see to the left), that photo was created as a little joke from my friends in sunny Arizona.  The one on the far left is me.

It was a long brutal Winter, even by New York standards.  But with my $10 fur hat from Modell's and a trusty Metrocard, I was armed with my best chance to "make do" and test my survivor skills.

And and God would have it, I say God, because I don't believe in luck but do believe in God, I made it through.

Spring finally arrived around April or so. Walking and waiting for the bus was bearable and fairly pleasant.  Walking there gave my fat arse some leisurely exercise and time for my mind to reflect and get centered at the start of the day.

I knew that I needed a car because I could not go through another Winter like that. Waiting for almost an hour in 15 degree temps is brutal, and spirit crushing.  Getting another car would be difficult because there isn't a money tree in my backyard.  I know, I've looked.

But again, as God would have it, my status has again changed from pedestrian to motorist. And although this is a positive change, with every change comes a transitional phrase.   
I have so many options now, and I guess I just want to make the "right" ones.  Luxury problems I know.

Life just keeps getting better and better.  What I realize now, is its always in God's time, good, bad or indifferent.  When I let go of my expectations great things happen.

Too Early For Christmas.

And so, November is here. 

November, not December, not the holidays, yet.  I say that though, internally I am filled with a slow, building sense of panic.

You see I'm not much of a planner when it comes to holidays.  And when I say planning what I really mean is saving up for gifts.  Or my other issue which is figuring out what the f*** to get for my loving friends and family.

Not exactly the holiday spirit.  I'm grateful that the amount of emotional stress is less.  Years ago I thought I had something to prove and go big with gifts or at least try to.  Most of the time feeling like a big fat failure.

A couple of years back I had a sponsor who helped me with all of this, whether she realized she was doing so or not I'm not sure.  She asked me to help her with a toy drive for kids of incarcerated parents.

At first I was jaded about the idea. I didn't like the idea of helping out those parents in prison, after all they put themselves there right? But those kids?  Well I had to take a hard look at things and came to the conclusion that EVERY kid deserves a gift, and in this case even more so.  Some children grow up with the shame of their parents mistakes, robbing them of the childhood they all deserve.  I could relate to that.  

And miraculously when I put the word out I received so many contributions, some from friends of friends who I'd never even met!  It filled me with joy to think of people helping people, and I was a part of that.  It put things into perspective.  So what if the gifts I could afford for people were or weren't good enough?  Who cared?

Maybe I need to take a page from that lesson and look at this year the same way and give with a purpose.  But not this way:

Find a charity, help others.  But where to start? 

 

What's Next??

What's Next:

These days, your guess is as good as mine.  There's a song by Staind called "its been a while" and the lyric goes something like "f*cked things up just like I ALWAYS do". 

Um yeah, that's me right about now.  Instead of dealing with my feelings soberly.  I lashed out, disregarded my program and pushed away the most wonderful man I've ever met.


To say I've "stepped in it big time" would be quite the understatement.  For reasons I won't go into, though don't hold me to it, I've taken a much contemplated hiatus from Facebook.  It feels really really weird.  Oh and I no longer have a computer which is why I'm at the library writing this.


I guess whether its been consciously, or unconsciously I've totally cleared myself of distractions.  No one left on my dance card but me and God.  I need not to run from this BUT TO LEARN FROM IT.


Ever since I went on those damn anti-depressants, or off them I should say, I haven't been the same sober woman.  It sucks.  But I've been clawing my way back ever since.  Its a slow process and being in a relationship may have slowed things down additionally.


I don't know what God has in store for me regarding me and Mike but I have to believe if we are meant be together, we will be.  Ultimately I don't want to hurt him anymore/do any damage.


What's that line from the Fiona Apple song Criminal?  "I've been careless with a delicate man".  He deserves better. 


Now I have mucho time on my hands and I've been trying to stay busy and healthfully so.  Sitting here at the library less than 5 minutes walking time to Mike's house isn't easy.  I've really missed him since he wasn't just my lover he was my best friend.


But I had to return some library books before the end of the month and grab some computer time for some directions to a dental office.


I haven't been on this blog in forever, sorry it isn't more pithy or even relevant, but I needed to get some of this stuff out of my head.

Pope Joan - a book review

And so I finally finished my latest book club historical fiction selection: Pope Joan by Donna Woolfolk Cross.

Its long, almost 400 pages.  While I thoroughly enjoyed the beginning with its strong sentiment of "I am woman hear me roar" it became somewhat laborious with its listings of ancient scrolls that were read and numerous characters with names I could hardly keep straight in my head.

The ending made me totally mad and almost sorry I even bothered to finish it. 

Side Effects - a movie review

And so this afternoon I went to see the star studded film, Side Effects, a story of how a depressed woman (Mara Rooney) under a doctor's care (Jude Law) is prescribed  antidepressants and things go horribly wrong.

Essentially I went to see this movie because on its face it seemed intriguing.  Then to cover myself, I cross referenced Rottentomatoes.com (my personal go to website for reviews) which gave it a respectable 85%.

With cherry twizzlers at the ready, this movie opens and slowly builds momentum.  A somewhat mild but intriguing suspenseful story with a clever plot twist or two that entertains but doesn't totally insult the intelligence of its audience.

One of the better movies I've seen as far as dramas go.  I give it 3 stars.  Oh and Catherine Zeta Jones is much better in this flick than I thought she'd be, Mara Rooney is outstanding.

Book reviews to come!

And so
              I've come to the realization that I'm attracted to things that are compelling.  Not sure that's the right wording.  You see, every year, after new years, I tell myself I'll read more.  And well, it never seemed to happen.  Until now.

So to compel myself to read more, I decided to join a book club.  How do I go about this?  I take a page out of a friend's book.  (Pun intended).  And I join a book club through Meetup.com.  (a website I highly recommend

This bookclub meets every two weeks, at a soup-and-sandwich-type of place.  Right now I'm on my second book and my reading speed has already picked up.

But, if I hadn't made the commitment to join the club, there would have been nothing compelling me to finish.  I mean honestly, whenever I'm reading a book, I'm not always able to delve into the storyline.  I'm usually too busy critiqueing what it is I'm reading rather than just enjoying it.

Now I seem to be doing abit of both. (Yeah me, way to multi-task) LOL.

And since I am a self-proclaimed 'culture vulture', it was about time I added another facet on subjects worth reviewing.

Currently, I'm reading "The Ages of Miracles" by Karen Thompson Walker.  .  Its an easy read so far.

 Review when I'm finished..........

NYC BALLET & FAILE - a day in the city

And so.............

           last weekend I had the opportunity to do something I've always wanted to do.  See Ballet in NYC.  Back in December my man took me to see the Nutcracker.........on Long Island.  I love my man and I love watching dance performances but it didn't feel like it was the real ballet experience that I'd hoped for.

Given my man had his quota of ballet, if I wanted more, it looked as if I'd go it alone.  And so I did.

I've gotten over my fear of doing things alone back when I was married and my ex made more excuses than I wanted to hear.

Anyhew, I found a performance (and reasonably priced ticket ) at The New York City Ballet in Lincoln Center.   

(cut and paste the link into your browser)

 

http://www.nycballet.com 

My favorite piece was the Vienna Waltzes.  Such beauty and grace I thought I'd cry.  If you want abit of it feel free to watch

. (cut and paste the link into your browser).

http://youtu.be/s7WC9W3Jhsc  

 

 I especially enjoyed the live muuuuuuuusic.  Something that was missing from the Nutcracker performance.  As I sat in the theatre, the lights down low, I could hear the musicians fine tuning their instruments and all I could feel was glee.  How often I've taken for granted the ability to hear music.  

To experience the talent and skill that is transported from one human being to another.  They painstakingly learn and then rehearse until this one moment.  These musicians are the backdrop for the dance performance.  They set the stage and transfix the room by engaging and heightening our senses. 

I can still hear the violins in my head.

Also while at Lincoln Center I was able to see some artwork I'd been coveting for the last month.  The work of FAILE.

I learned about their work through the NYC Ballet website where the artwork of FAILE (which is an anagram for A LIFE) which is what the company was originally named until they learned the name was already taken.

They are very pop art-ish.  Think Litchenstein, think Frank Miller.  Gritty, urban, provocative, and fun!  They do alot of installation work and brought it to Lincoln Center to promote the New York City Ballet.

 

Awesome!  I love this (and want one in my house).  Here's the installation tower.

That tower is over 4 stories high.  Originally the outside of it was covered in mini blocks and the ticket buyers of the performance they used to promote the theatre were priviledged enough to take home one square apiece.  They advertised it as "the performance you take home with you."

Here's the interview.  It was worth watching.  

http://youtu.be/1gba3Nh_Ef8
 (cut and paste into browser).

And of course the best part.  It was all in NYC.

  
 And how can you beat that?

 

Django Unchained - a movie review

And so I went to see Django Unchained.  The latest offering from writer/director Quentin Tarantino.  Set in pre-civil war South, this is an underdog tale of how a slave turned bounty hunter sets off to avenge and reclaim his wife from a Mississippi slave owner.

Great performance from Christopher Waltz.

Deliciously rich with caricatures with an extra heaping of blood and gore with every bullet and crap of the whip.  As only Tarantino delivers.  Leave your political correctness at the door.  Not for the easily offended (lots of "N" word used).

Biting the birthday bullet

And so another birthday approaches. Groan.  Arrgh.  Muthaf*cka.

Okay, okay I know I should be appreciative of it, but there's something about my birthday that irks me.  I've yet to admit to myself what that might be.  

I've never had the best of luck on my birthday.  From early on growing up dirt poor in Brooklyn in a family rife with dsyfunction, there was disappointment at every turn.

As I grew older I mainly try to let it float by like a few dark clouds passing overhead.  But mainly what I feel like giving to my birthday is this: 

 

Especially as I grow older.  Next year is the big "50" and I'm hoping to do something that qualifies as momentous, but for now for this year, its pretty quiet and hopefully under the radar.

I also hate the time of year I'm forced to celebrate.  The Winter.  Blah, Its bleak and cold and my skin is drier than normal which makes me feel older.  How old?

Yep, that about sums up how it makes me feel.  

Last year my other half took me away to the Poconos and we had an awesome time together.  So I guess I should just reflect on that.    Also, having myself a pity party doesn't make things better because I mean getting older, really, what's my alternative?

 

I should remain grateful.  I just went to the doctor's yesterday and she gave me test results that indicate good blood pressure, normal ranges of cholesterol, etc etc.

I do have so many great things in my life worth celebrating every single day.  Yesterday me and my boy went and had some Thai food and he gave me a beautiful card.  Time spent with that small miracle of mine is priceless, it truly is.

And the other main reason I need to remain grateful and just celebrate is, next week is my brother's birthday and he isn't here to celebrate it.

And I wish he were.

 

 

    

2012 My Year in Review

And so another year comes to an end.  Each year is 365 days long yet this year seemed that much longer.  Not so much because it was arduous but more so because it seemed to be jam packed full of experiences.

As I reflect on 2012 more than a few come to mind.

Starting the new year in a real relationship.  One full of honesty, and romance, and fun.

In January getting whisked away to the Poconos for my birthday.  What a surprise and pleasure it was.

In February sharing Valentine's Day with a man I grown more in love with each day.   

In March getting laid off from a job I worked for the past 8 years.  I hardly knew what I was going to do.  How I was going to handle things.  But because I trust God and work my program,  I held onto my faith with everything I had.

Instead I enjoy my time off.  Went biking everywhere.  Especially once May came around and my car decided to die.  Without having the means, I wrote it off and became carless.  Again I biked everywhere.  I spent more time with my mom and my son.  I went through all my belongings and pared down, donated clothes, books, etc.

I wound up filing bankruptcy and embracing a frugal way of life.  Remembering to stay grateful and with faith KNOW God had a plan for me and my future.  In May me and my man planted a garden, something I haven't done since I was a kid.  I absolutely loved getting into something like this.

In May me and my man went away on a trip that was planned pre-layoff.  We traveled to Las Vegas, the Grand Canyon & Arizona.  What a spectacular trip!  We went from the bright city lights of Las Vegas onto the rustic scenery of the Grand Canyon and the Colorado River to the simplicity of Phoenix Arizona meeting up with old friends and a new addition to our clan.

In June I spent time at the beach with friends.   Also with my man and I finally overcame my fear of water.  This may sound trite to some reading this but for me this is huge.  Before this I would never go in the water alone.  I loved boogie boarding.  

Also in June, my man turned the big 6-0.   If  five years ago someone had told me I'd be dating an older man I'd have said they were crazy.  Its amazing what God had in store for me, once I got out of my own way and put away my preconceived notions about what would truly make me happy.  We also celebrated our first anniversary together.  One of what I hope to be many more to come!
 

In July after many months of watching my man always overwhelmed by fatigue he discovered the news that he had kidney cancer and would need to be operated on.  While we awaited the surgery, I received a call about a job.  After a phone interview and meet and greet interview and a drug test I passed with flying colors I became a part of the team @ ABI.  A job I love dearly.

The timing was perfect, I started the job 2 weeks after my man's surgery.  I gotta admit that I was scared.  Scared about starting a new job.  Scared at the possibility that his body was given more than it could handle.  Again I had to trust God.  And while some reading this may think that trusting God sounds like an inaction.........that would be wrong.  Trust is conscious action.  Each day my mind tries to let fears creep in and its God who I must remember has a plan I must trust in even when I don't FEEL like it.   

In the end, everything worked out better than I ever expected  That only comes from seeking God on a daily basis, and seeking to do the next right thing as best I can.  I am nothing if not grateful.  The holidays came around again, as they always do, and me and my man spent half the time with his family and half with mine.

I remembered last year how 'terrified' I was about change.  But God gets us through everything, but we must be willing to let go of our plans.  Its when I reflect upon past experiences its a great reminder of how great things work out when I stop making plans, and just let go let God. 

LINCOLN - a movie review

So on a Sunday afternoon I went to see "Lincoln" the bio-pic starring Daniel  Day Lewis, directed by Steven Spielberg.  

Now first of all Daniel Day Lewis doesn't make crap.  He's one of the few actors that carefully chooses his roles.  I can never imagine the day where he makes a rom-com  or a Disney voice-over movie.  It just isn't likely to happen anytime soon.

He's an artist in the truest sense of the word and his performance in Lincoln is another solid choice.  In a word his performance is brilliant.  Not a history buff in the slightest I was riveted to the screen.

This is a must see film.  Must see!

The Sessions - A Movie Review

Mark O’Brien is an accomplished man his late 30’s.  A Berkley Graduate, a writer and poet, and completely immobile from his neck down.   

With his faculties intact and a sharp offbeat sense of humor he sets out not only to write an article about sex amongst the physically challenged, but to finally experience it for himself.

Ben Lewin wrote and directed this film who was inspired as a person with his own  physical challenges, though his own limitations weren’t as severe as his protagonist in this film.

Starring John Hawkes, Helen Hunt and William H. Macy given a tough topic, this film manages to entertain, inspire and make me laugh out loud straight from the gut.  A must see for an Indie filmgoer or at the very least the film to mark down in your Netflix Queue.

Helen Hunt is fearless, daring and a shoe in for a nomination of either  a Golden Globe or Oscar variety.