A post about sobriety (not culture related) : The Ghosts of lovers past.

While the word ‘lover’ is used here, I think anyone reading it knows there’s no love inferred here.  Until they come up with the term “lusters” it will have to do.

This time of year is a time for reflecting.  When people reach out to old friends, relatives, fuck buddies.  Yep you read that right.  It also seems as if my old ghosts have come calling.  Almost 3 years sober there are fewer of them than there used to be.

While actively drinking I racked up a lot of how shall I put this?  Acquaintances.  Fleeting fun and usually a complete waste of time.  Some I remember many of them I don’t.  Which is odd.  In sobriety I now thankfully have fewer regrets and fewer acquaintances.

Today I got an email from someone I don’t ever recall talking to.  I didn’t remember their name, but they had my email address and using that they decided to write me. 

Responding is always tricky.  I used to be polite and write back stuff like “I’m not that girl anymore” but that was never enough to placate them, even now it still isn’t.  Sometimes I joke to myself that I would tell them I became a nun or that I’m a 300 lbs shut in, but I don’t.  I live a life of honesty now.  One that I am glad to be owning up to.  So I come clean and tell them “I’m in recovery and don’t remember you nor am I interested in participating with you now.”  It seems rude but its honest and usually effective.  The drunken one-nighters I once persued have no place in my life anymore.   They never did, I was just too ill to realize that when I was drinking.

As the years pass and more time and distance is put between the sober woman I am now and the reckless drinker (and user of people) that I once was I AM GLAD.  I’d like to think of all of that behavior like a bad dream, but I know it isn’t.

An important part of sobriety is owning up to the destruction I caused from self-will run riot.  And that’s okay.  God has enabled me to love myself as I am now, inspite of my past errors and mistakes.

I’m hoping there aren’t anymore ghosts coming, we’ll see.

COLD SOULS - A DVD REVIEW

Part Being John Malkovich, part Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, Paul Giamatti plays himself in this offbeat dark dramedy that begs the question: do our souls weigh us down? Or imbody everything that we are? It was pretty good but then again I have an affinity for Paul Giamatti.  I gave it 3 strong stars.

Les Ballets Trockadero de Monte Carlo (A Review)

So a day later I’m finally taking some time to  write about the performance I saw on Sunday afternoon. Les Ballets Trockadero de Monte Carlo http://joyce.org/performancestickets/calendar_detail.php?event=341&theater=1.

I was eager to see ballet, and see ballet I did.  The discount ticket I bought for the performance which was labled as “partial view” was anything but that.  I was right up close seeing the facial expressions, the muscular yet lithe bodies of the dancers and even the sweat at the end of the performance.  For $22 I thought I had the best seat in the house.

I hadn’t been to a ballet in over 15 years and I think I was long overdue.  There was so much exquisite beauty and I have such a high regard for the strength and training that goes into each pose, and turn.  I almost found myself crying watching the grace that was before me.

Now Les Ballets Trockadero de Monte Carlo was not the most common of ballet performances.  The cast was all male and seemingly all gay.  There was comedy, mostly seeming slapstick interjected into the performance to make it lighter, but at the end of the show I felt it actually detracted from the performance.  There was an extreme amount of talent though.

It did make me thirsty to see more ballet, just more contemporary performances.

Wishing for better times, but...

So today I’m supposed to get together with a gf of mine.  The nature of our friendship has changed.  She’s changed.  She’s going through some things, not all of them healthy.  Recently she had a breakdown of sorts.  And while feeling internally terrified I pretty much said nothing.  Quite honestly what was there to say?

She’s acting like there’s nothing wrong, so who am I to point out, “Um wtf is going on?”  She’s been continually cancelling on me.  We actually keep previously made plans about 2 out of 10 times.  Mentally I’m done, but I know that’s a bad attitude.  Its her who isn’t showing up for this friendship, this mentor/mentee relationship we’ve had for the last two years. 

I’ve been praying for what to do.  The other day she tells me “I’ve met somebody.”  And while I didn’t say anything out loud all I thought was “Are you crazy?”  You just get back from “being away” and jump into a relationship?  Can you smell the desperation?  She’s latching onto this life raft in the form of a man this time.  I image we’ve all been there at one time or another.

Just her actions in doing this lets me know that she’s still sick and not reaching out for the REAL solution (God).  It painful and frustrating to watch.  I want to tell her this.  I want to say “Is this really the right time for you to be getting into a relationship?  Aren’t you getting involved for the wrong reasons anyway?”  My old instincts tell me to run, run, run in the other direction.  Big pussy that I am.  It won’t make a difference how I feel because inevitably she won’t show up anyway.

She and I are supposed to get together later but sure as I’m sitting here writing this I’m almost sure she’ll come up with another excuse why she isn’t there……….yet again.  Has it even dawned on her that I’ve moved on already and found another sponsor?  In her sickness I doubt she’s factored that in.  No matter, I will pray for her and remember how she was when God was the center of her life. 

Getting In the Game!

So this Winter rather than just sitting around in my apartment or merely hitting meetings I’ve decided to be proactive.  A number of friends have shared with me their positive experiences meeting people through Meetup.com.

While the concept almost seems strange “getting together with strangers merely because we share common interests etc”.  Its no more different that talking with people online that I’ve met on Facebook or Myspace or Craigslist, lol.

I’ve joined a number of groups but this weekend I’ve plans to venture to one of the get togethers and see what happens.  Its in the city during the day.  It’s a holiday party to benefit the Children’s Aid Society, which definitely sounds like a worthwhile cause.  http://www.meetup.com/Charitable-Singles/calendar/15577578/

I’ve no idea what to expect but I’m venturing there with an adventurous and social spirit.

The following weekend I managed to buy myself a discounted ticket to see this show

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nPFc9qwkQbA

Its part Art part parody and a friend of mine already saw it with a big two thumbs up.

I found out the LIRR has a way of buying a ten packs of off peak tickets for a discount which is good since paying full price blows. 

In sobriety I’ve learned about “seeking Gods’ will” for my life.  Most of the time I know what that means.  In reference to seeking a social life, I’m not always certain what that means.  God doesn’t want me to sit around and wait for invitations.  I think I did that last Winter and lived (and cried) to regret it.

That’s why I’m being proactive and looking for “healthy” things to do.  Tomorrow night I was invited to a work related holiday party and if anything there is free food involved which is always a good thing. 

There is that old say ‘There are plenty of fish in the sea”.  And this time around I guess right now I’m actually IN the ocean seeking them instead of sitting on the sidelines watching them all swim by.

The Bobby blog

So Friday night I did something I haven’t done in a while.  I laid eyes on my brother Bobby.  Through the benefit of Skype he called me.  Seeing his name on my computer screen I readied myself.  My first instinct was to run, but the program has taught me to be a grown up and face my fears.  I don’t always do that but I’m getting better at it.

The small screen showed his face which was drawn.  His eyes looked overly big as there was no meat to balance his facial features.  He was pale and wore a baseball cap.  I could see his throat wrapped in bandages holding a trache tube which I tried to ignore.  I did this to make us both feel comfortable. 

I hail from an extreme catty clan.  His first words to me were “Wow sis you’re getting up there.”  Meanwhile he’s two years older than me (48) and looking like he’s 65.  I couldn’t conceal my annoyance and gave him a double middle finger which in hindsight I’d wished I could have refrained from.

I apologized for my actions and the conversation went on from there. 

I had a few goals while online.  They were:  Not to start crying, not get into an argument, and not say anything I’d later regret.

My brother is an alcoholic of the sickest kind.  The insanity in his life runs rampid.  He sat there trying to decipher HOW he became ill.  He’s been homeless for four years.   He had been living with my sister but after many years her good will and patience has given up.   She told him to leave and he has yet to forgive for it.  (Alcoholic behavior:  never being grateful for the years she had him live there ONLY when that goodwill ended).

He’s a grown man who should be working and supporting himself, but with alcoholics still active and sick they always see their misfortune as a direct result of something someone DID TO THEM!  Never did they find themselves at fault.

I love my brother but I know who he is.  Navigating conversation inspite of this can be dicey.  God gives me the patience and love to keep things in prospective.  To keep it in the day, which is what I did.

I asked him how he was feeling, how things were going.  I told him thanks for calling me.

I know I need to use whatever time he has left to make amends.  To be there for him.  I guess it’s the pessimist in me but I don’t see him surviving this.  Only God knows.  My guess is influenced by my experiences watching friends and family deal with cancer. 

Even under the best of circumstances good people die.  My brother is a good person, he’s just sick.

I'm hearing wedding bells.......

So one of my closest girlfriends told me the other day that she is engaged.  While not a fan of marital commitments and all their entanglements I was happy for her.  Why?  Because she is my friend and that’s what she wants.  Because I think every woman deserves the joy, (however fleeting) of getting married and having children.

She has always had her eye on the fasttrack to marriage.  She perceives it to be the holy grail to happiness.  As if there was a cash prize once that goal was achieved.  I don’t know.  I do know that I’ve learned in life with all things the joy is in the journey. 

Sometimes when we reach our intended goal, our destination, there is a let down.  The getting married can be the fun part, but the BEING married, that takes work.  There’s a lot of compromise and of course the incurring of monogamy.

She’s asked me to be her maid of honor.  This in itself is a huge honor.  I was grateful she asked me.  I’m worried I’ll admit that.  I want to do right by her but I’m not the most financially solvent friend she has.  But I’ll leave it in God’s hands.

I sort of like the idea that I’ll be in a wedding party for some reason.  Probably because it happening after so many years.  The last wedding I was in was my sister Alison’s and she’s been married for over 20 years.

Blah, blah, blah

I’m ridiculously bored these days.  Trying to find my balance.  When daylight savings time end it can be quite the challenge.  Last Winter after work all I wanted to do was run home and stay home.  Living alone though it gets lonely and it stays that way unless I take action.  Last Winter I came to this realization the hard way.  Eh, we live we learn, we get up off our asses and call people.  Stop living in fear.  After all it’s a shitty place to live.  I want better for myself.

I’ve said “I want to meet someone.  I want a relationship” so many times I’ve no clue what the hell it means to be in one.  What I had with Derek was good while it lasted.  I do want companionship though.

I heard something at a meeting last night that’s sticking with me.  “Water finds it own level.”  Essentially meaning, like attracts like.  Of course in order to figure out who I’m attracting I have to see how it is (and what it is) I’m projecting in the first place.  In my own fantasyworld though I feel as if what I’ll attract is exactly what I want.  (jude rolls eyes)