Getting In the Game!

So this Winter rather than just sitting around in my apartment or merely hitting meetings I’ve decided to be proactive.  A number of friends have shared with me their positive experiences meeting people through Meetup.com.

While the concept almost seems strange “getting together with strangers merely because we share common interests etc”.  Its no more different that talking with people online that I’ve met on Facebook or Myspace or Craigslist, lol.

I’ve joined a number of groups but this weekend I’ve plans to venture to one of the get togethers and see what happens.  Its in the city during the day.  It’s a holiday party to benefit the Children’s Aid Society, which definitely sounds like a worthwhile cause.  http://www.meetup.com/Charitable-Singles/calendar/15577578/

I’ve no idea what to expect but I’m venturing there with an adventurous and social spirit.

The following weekend I managed to buy myself a discounted ticket to see this show

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nPFc9qwkQbA

Its part Art part parody and a friend of mine already saw it with a big two thumbs up.

I found out the LIRR has a way of buying a ten packs of off peak tickets for a discount which is good since paying full price blows. 

In sobriety I’ve learned about “seeking Gods’ will” for my life.  Most of the time I know what that means.  In reference to seeking a social life, I’m not always certain what that means.  God doesn’t want me to sit around and wait for invitations.  I think I did that last Winter and lived (and cried) to regret it.

That’s why I’m being proactive and looking for “healthy” things to do.  Tomorrow night I was invited to a work related holiday party and if anything there is free food involved which is always a good thing. 

There is that old say ‘There are plenty of fish in the sea”.  And this time around I guess right now I’m actually IN the ocean seeking them instead of sitting on the sidelines watching them all swim by.

The Bobby blog

So Friday night I did something I haven’t done in a while.  I laid eyes on my brother Bobby.  Through the benefit of Skype he called me.  Seeing his name on my computer screen I readied myself.  My first instinct was to run, but the program has taught me to be a grown up and face my fears.  I don’t always do that but I’m getting better at it.

The small screen showed his face which was drawn.  His eyes looked overly big as there was no meat to balance his facial features.  He was pale and wore a baseball cap.  I could see his throat wrapped in bandages holding a trache tube which I tried to ignore.  I did this to make us both feel comfortable. 

I hail from an extreme catty clan.  His first words to me were “Wow sis you’re getting up there.”  Meanwhile he’s two years older than me (48) and looking like he’s 65.  I couldn’t conceal my annoyance and gave him a double middle finger which in hindsight I’d wished I could have refrained from.

I apologized for my actions and the conversation went on from there. 

I had a few goals while online.  They were:  Not to start crying, not get into an argument, and not say anything I’d later regret.

My brother is an alcoholic of the sickest kind.  The insanity in his life runs rampid.  He sat there trying to decipher HOW he became ill.  He’s been homeless for four years.   He had been living with my sister but after many years her good will and patience has given up.   She told him to leave and he has yet to forgive for it.  (Alcoholic behavior:  never being grateful for the years she had him live there ONLY when that goodwill ended).

He’s a grown man who should be working and supporting himself, but with alcoholics still active and sick they always see their misfortune as a direct result of something someone DID TO THEM!  Never did they find themselves at fault.

I love my brother but I know who he is.  Navigating conversation inspite of this can be dicey.  God gives me the patience and love to keep things in prospective.  To keep it in the day, which is what I did.

I asked him how he was feeling, how things were going.  I told him thanks for calling me.

I know I need to use whatever time he has left to make amends.  To be there for him.  I guess it’s the pessimist in me but I don’t see him surviving this.  Only God knows.  My guess is influenced by my experiences watching friends and family deal with cancer. 

Even under the best of circumstances good people die.  My brother is a good person, he’s just sick.

I'm hearing wedding bells.......

So one of my closest girlfriends told me the other day that she is engaged.  While not a fan of marital commitments and all their entanglements I was happy for her.  Why?  Because she is my friend and that’s what she wants.  Because I think every woman deserves the joy, (however fleeting) of getting married and having children.

She has always had her eye on the fasttrack to marriage.  She perceives it to be the holy grail to happiness.  As if there was a cash prize once that goal was achieved.  I don’t know.  I do know that I’ve learned in life with all things the joy is in the journey. 

Sometimes when we reach our intended goal, our destination, there is a let down.  The getting married can be the fun part, but the BEING married, that takes work.  There’s a lot of compromise and of course the incurring of monogamy.

She’s asked me to be her maid of honor.  This in itself is a huge honor.  I was grateful she asked me.  I’m worried I’ll admit that.  I want to do right by her but I’m not the most financially solvent friend she has.  But I’ll leave it in God’s hands.

I sort of like the idea that I’ll be in a wedding party for some reason.  Probably because it happening after so many years.  The last wedding I was in was my sister Alison’s and she’s been married for over 20 years.

Blah, blah, blah

I’m ridiculously bored these days.  Trying to find my balance.  When daylight savings time end it can be quite the challenge.  Last Winter after work all I wanted to do was run home and stay home.  Living alone though it gets lonely and it stays that way unless I take action.  Last Winter I came to this realization the hard way.  Eh, we live we learn, we get up off our asses and call people.  Stop living in fear.  After all it’s a shitty place to live.  I want better for myself.

I’ve said “I want to meet someone.  I want a relationship” so many times I’ve no clue what the hell it means to be in one.  What I had with Derek was good while it lasted.  I do want companionship though.

I heard something at a meeting last night that’s sticking with me.  “Water finds it own level.”  Essentially meaning, like attracts like.  Of course in order to figure out who I’m attracting I have to see how it is (and what it is) I’m projecting in the first place.  In my own fantasyworld though I feel as if what I’ll attract is exactly what I want.  (jude rolls eyes)

Another New years?

So last night while I was driving home the thought of New Year’s Eve popped into my head.  A term that still (after two years sober) fills me with anxiety.  In my last days of drinking my final two New Year’s celebrations were filled with humiliation and embarrassment.  And infront of my family no less.

My family has a “family party” every year.  It started when our kids were all small.  Rather than finding babysitters we would all bring the kiddies along put them to bed upstairs only to return downstairs to party until we passed out, almost always sleeping over.  It was a good plan at the time.

Now my kiddie is almost 20 years old.  I haven’t gone to that family party in over 4 years.  I can’t bring myself to do it.  And even though I know I will invariably be harassed for not going even into the summer (as my mother did last year) I still have no desire to rejoin them.  The family is Irish-English and the drinking is huge. 

Anyhew with the thought of New Years coming up again I vowed last year to NOT be alone this year.  (Last year I had plans but last minute they fell through, etc.)

Too big for my britches

So, I’ve noticed the numbers on my scale climbing and I wasn’t holding Tyler.  I’ve put on weight.  Not a lot just enough that I know I need to take action.  I heard a while back:  80% of staying in shape (being a proper weight) is what you put into your mouth.  Its something I’ve definitely found to be true.

Over the Summer my lazy ass didn’t do much except spend time with friends and eat plenty of ice cream.  I blame it on the summer.  But rather than continue in this uncomfortable (both mentally and physically) rolly polly physique I need to alter what I’m eating abit more just until I feel comfortable again.

So going by that nutrition program my GNC guy gave me this is what I plan for as of December 1^st

No red meat

No dairy (gulp and I LOVE cheese)

No carbs after 2 p.m.

No processed meats (this includes bacon, and sausage)

I also plan to eat more vegetables, which will also include bean sprouts.  I’m told though that they are more protein than vegetable.  (jude shrugs) either way its time.

Facing my Fear - well one of them anyway

So Saturday night I faced one of my fears and lived to tell the tale.  I went to NYC alone.  Not intentionally though.  My original plan involved a friend who actually LIVES in the city and complains she never goes anywhere and never does anything.  I’ve finally realized its because she is afraid to do anything else. 

Anyhew because she bailed out on me, once again I tried my best to invite people I thought might enjoy the evening I had planned but came up empty.  I then had two choices 1)  I could ‘eat’ the $84 I spent on tickets (without any possible refund) OR 2)  I could go it alone.

Now I don’t drive into the city I take the train.  My fears in going at night alone include:  possibly getting,  being mugged, raped or lost or any combination of those three.  Or feeling insecure in doing something alone In the end, nothing bad happened.

Infact, a lot of GOOD happened.  I walked through my fear.  I dressed in a blue striped sweaterdress, tights and tall black boots.  I wore “night makeup” and a good attitude.

I got to the city much earlier than I probably should have but wanted to time to take my time.  I decided to walk from Penn Station to Union Square.  It was a good 19 blocks.  My nervous energy made the time fly by.  I got to Union Square to find it brightly lit up in twinkle lights bustling with people.  How could I ever think I’d be alone? 

After my window shopping I found the theatre location and walked over to a nearby Starbucks to grab seat and a smoothie.  After that I found myself in a darkly lit bar with red twinkle lights ordering a seltzer.  One guy chatted with me for a bit and after a few more seltzers and a red bull enough time had passed for me to make my way to the show.

It was fabulous.  Back in the day a friend of miney (who was a culture vulture like myself) told me about this show.  I’d always wanted to see it.  Part of me was bummed out about having to “eat” one of the tickets.  My ex later helped me rationalize that since I got the tickets for half price I really wasn’t paying more for the performance than any other ticketholder who paid full price.  I liked that perspective.

The stage hands herded us into a large room with an expansive ceiling.  It was dark except for large red spot lights and a fog machine filling the air.  Thumping club music kept the upbeat spirit that would carry the crowd and myself throughout the show.

This show was like Blue Man Group on crack.  It was excellent.   I won’t spoil it by telling you the details.  What I will say is I had the very best time that I would have missed HAD I let my fears rob me of it.

It was late when I got out, but hey this is NYC.  On a Saturday night again plenty of people I was never alone.  Not in the streets, not on the subway nor on the LIRR.

I was home by 2:30 a.m. with a smile on my face and my legs achy from dancing.