“Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart.”

“Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart.”  Psalm 37:4

I took that scripture to mean, keep your thoughts, your actions your intentions set on God and he will take care of everything else you need.

I never thought of myself as needing a man.  Well full-time anyway, lol.  Over the years I’d come to accept myself as single, going out with men now and again.  I’d abandoned the idea of being in a relationship because (A) I didn’t think I’d be happy in one (B) Because I didn’t think I would “succeed” in one and (C) because I thought there was no such thing as a good man.

Remaining alone seemed like a good idea.  In sobriety I kept my expectations of everything LOW.  That’s my EXPECTATIONS not my standards, though I often do wrestle with the difference from time to time.

I eventually made a list of qualities I wanted in a man.  It went something like this: 

* He had to be divorced and already had his kids (and not want any more). 

* His kids should already be grown up (and him BE a grown up…aka not a man-child). 

* He had to be intelligent and able to engage in good conversation (communication).  He had to NOT be a couch potato. 

* He had to be willing to participate in some of my favorite activities (common interests). 

* He had to have a good sense of humor. 

* He had to be willing to see my perspective even if he didn’t necessarily AGREE with it (I didn’t want a clone of myself). 

* He should be trustworthy and faithful. And he should have a healthy attitude (and be able to communicate that) regarding sex.

That list was stuck on my bulletin board for a long time. (In the program we call this having a sexual ideal).  I made it for several reasons one of them being a quote from Chuck Palahniuk which said, “When you don’t know what you want; you end up with a lot you don’t.” 

I figured the worst thing that could happen was I didn’t meet anyone and I’d be alone anyway.  Jude shrugs.  I was becoming okay with that.  And then Mike asked me out and that changed everything.

I think I’ve grown more in the last 8 months than I had in the 3 years prior.  Its easy to be at peace when you live alone and are okay with living alone.  Interacting with someone on a regular basis, especially in a romantic situation, is quite different.  It forced me to consider someone else besides myself.  It forced me to trust again, to feel again, and ultimately to love again.  Something I never (truly) thought would ever happen.

My man was so patient with me at every turn.  And still continues to be.  Most days I am awed.  Some days its because I still struggle with low self esteem and aren’t sure I deserve him, but most of the time I’m awed because I had no clue that God had this in store for me.  I thought my selfish past ways had blown any chance for anything new and meaningful.  And I thought there WAS no such thing as a good man left on the planet.

What I forgot was: just as I’ve been yielding to God and changing my ways thru HIM, so are others.  Humble men and women who are letting God lead them, protect them and guide them.  And in so doing they are becoming more perfect in HIM. 

I believe God led me to this man and DID SO at a time when I could truly appreciate him.  I truly believe it was God’s timing.  And HIS timing is always perfect.  I am grateful to be with a man who not only believes in God but truly follows him. 

In my heart I now know I could never have been with a man who wasn’t God centered. 

And this weekend my man is on a spiritual retreat and I am missing him but admiring his action of spiritual self-care.