I suppose there are other things I should be writing, say for instance about culture. Books movies things of this nature, but alas today I do not. I miss writing terribly. I ‘ve been journaling lately on (gasp) steno paper since my online blogging has gone by the wayside for undetermined reasons.
Anyhew still needing to blog here and document this. I’ve taken steps recently to clear my path. I’ve told “D” that I need at least six months of no “D”. No texting no conversations, even those of merely a friendship nature. I was honest with him in telling him that I could rarely ever think of him as just a friend. We both know why.
A friend recently told me ‘You deserve more than a guy who just wants to send you a picture of his ****.” And she was right. Too often, mainly out of boredom I’ve allied myself with men (not necessarily D in this case) that I flirt with, inevitably sending the wrong messages until one day I’m getting e-mail or txts with anonymous body parts on them.
So I’ve looked through my e-mail addresses and cell phone list and deleted any man who wasn’t “just a friend”. I’ve deleted men who still had “dirty designs” of me that I truly wanted nothing to do with. Even men (such as Gus) who actually was a friend to me, but when push came to shove he still found himself trying to manipulate me into a “dirty deed”.
My good friend woke me up to the fact that all of this nonsensical bullshit was blocking my path to God. It blocks me from being of maximum service to God and his will. She was right. I knew it the MOMENT she said it. What the heck was I doing? Has the Winter really been that long that I’d wandered into the murky waters that this qualifies for entertainment on a boring Saturday night?
So I did some housecleaning. I never thought I’d be adding “D” to that list. He treated me so well, well as any “jump off” could be treated I guess. I wrote him on Friday night and asked him to delete my number, give me 6 months of no contact. And as luck would have it, he sends me a ****shot on Saturday, which led me realize he hadn’t yet read my e-mail. He finally did and on Monday and ugh, called me anyway at work to apologize for the c.s.
In all honesty I know that’s not the reason. I think he needed me to say it. And blubbering like a baby (with a raspy voice from a severe sore throat) I did. I probably sounded like a crazy person. But he did know how I felt, even if he didn’t agree with it. And I don’t think he had any doubt that it hurt me saying goodbye, or in this case “see you in six months.”
Ideally I’d like to think that ‘clearing this path’ doesn’t necessarily have to do with me and relationships with men per se. Its more to the point that I won’t find myself preoccupied with men who have lackluster attempts at holding my attention. That if indeed I am ever blessed with a man in my life, my heart, it will be one who does more than send me pictures of bodyparts and is more interested in sharing with me that ultimate bodypart…………his heart.
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