Too Early For Christmas.

And so, November is here. 

November, not December, not the holidays, yet.  I say that though, internally I am filled with a slow, building sense of panic.

You see I'm not much of a planner when it comes to holidays.  And when I say planning what I really mean is saving up for gifts.  Or my other issue which is figuring out what the f*** to get for my loving friends and family.

Not exactly the holiday spirit.  I'm grateful that the amount of emotional stress is less.  Years ago I thought I had something to prove and go big with gifts or at least try to.  Most of the time feeling like a big fat failure.

A couple of years back I had a sponsor who helped me with all of this, whether she realized she was doing so or not I'm not sure.  She asked me to help her with a toy drive for kids of incarcerated parents.

At first I was jaded about the idea. I didn't like the idea of helping out those parents in prison, after all they put themselves there right? But those kids?  Well I had to take a hard look at things and came to the conclusion that EVERY kid deserves a gift, and in this case even more so.  Some children grow up with the shame of their parents mistakes, robbing them of the childhood they all deserve.  I could relate to that.  

And miraculously when I put the word out I received so many contributions, some from friends of friends who I'd never even met!  It filled me with joy to think of people helping people, and I was a part of that.  It put things into perspective.  So what if the gifts I could afford for people were or weren't good enough?  Who cared?

Maybe I need to take a page from that lesson and look at this year the same way and give with a purpose.  But not this way:

Find a charity, help others.  But where to start? 

 

What's Next??

What's Next:

These days, your guess is as good as mine.  There's a song by Staind called "its been a while" and the lyric goes something like "f*cked things up just like I ALWAYS do". 

Um yeah, that's me right about now.  Instead of dealing with my feelings soberly.  I lashed out, disregarded my program and pushed away the most wonderful man I've ever met.


To say I've "stepped in it big time" would be quite the understatement.  For reasons I won't go into, though don't hold me to it, I've taken a much contemplated hiatus from Facebook.  It feels really really weird.  Oh and I no longer have a computer which is why I'm at the library writing this.


I guess whether its been consciously, or unconsciously I've totally cleared myself of distractions.  No one left on my dance card but me and God.  I need not to run from this BUT TO LEARN FROM IT.


Ever since I went on those damn anti-depressants, or off them I should say, I haven't been the same sober woman.  It sucks.  But I've been clawing my way back ever since.  Its a slow process and being in a relationship may have slowed things down additionally.


I don't know what God has in store for me regarding me and Mike but I have to believe if we are meant be together, we will be.  Ultimately I don't want to hurt him anymore/do any damage.


What's that line from the Fiona Apple song Criminal?  "I've been careless with a delicate man".  He deserves better. 


Now I have mucho time on my hands and I've been trying to stay busy and healthfully so.  Sitting here at the library less than 5 minutes walking time to Mike's house isn't easy.  I've really missed him since he wasn't just my lover he was my best friend.


But I had to return some library books before the end of the month and grab some computer time for some directions to a dental office.


I haven't been on this blog in forever, sorry it isn't more pithy or even relevant, but I needed to get some of this stuff out of my head.